Open Letter to Mac Nation (or, the top ten things I hate about Apple)

Caveat Lector

3/25/13 UPDATE: Read this post to the end and then click this link.

Disclaimer: This is a tongue in cheek post which may seem out of place on this blog, but why be an administrator if you can’t abuse your power?  If you came here looking for something even slightly redeeming, are not in the mood for sarcasm, or are reading this on an ipad while listening to your ipod and saving up enough money for a 17″ macbook (good luck with that second mortgage), caveat lector.

Why has such a popular company with such beloved products so stirred my ire?  Here’s my top ten…

10. Apple Products Have a Strange Power to Change the Way People Talk

Have you ever noticed that when your friends get a new Apple product, they ditch all generic names?  They never say, “I’m getting a call on my cell-phone,” they always say, “I’m getting a call on my iphone.” They’re not listening to music, they’re listening to their ipod.  This is apparently to set themselves apart from all the Motorola toting plebes out there. No company should have that kind of control over your vocabulary.

9.  Every Apple Product I’ve Had Has Been Junk

This is admittedly anecdotal, but I have had two ipods (one I got free for opening a checking account, one I traded a drum set for) and they both are prone to freeze and have awful battery life.  Also, my earbuds almost immediately blew out when I was listening to Shai Linne.  This may be the fault of Mr. Linne’s DJ and his beats, but it leads me to…

8. “Earbuds” is the Worst Name for Anything, Ever.  Period.

Back to the whole “power over your vocabulary” thing.  Earbuds.  Really?

7. All of Their Products Are Bright White

Why is this an issue?  Because as Johnny Cash would tell you, there is too much injustice in the world to use tech devices that aren’t black.

6. You Can’t Right Click on the Laptops

I used a friends Macbook once and was totally lost.  There was no button to right-click with.  I use right-click for everything.

5. They Take Advantage of Their Fanboys, and Their Fanboys Love Them For It.

Whenever they do one of their big product launches, the product is always missing some features that it clearly could have included.  They put out an ipad with no camera just so that next year they can have another big press conference and sell you an ipad with a camera.  Isn’t this an established formula by now?  Yet every year, there is a rush on the latest incomplete offering.  I’ve never seen so many people so excited to get ripped off.  What am I missing here?

4. They Make Me Paranoid

Apple has more money than the U.S. Government.  Read that sentence again.  Why does this make me paranoid?  Although I’m now amillennial, I used to be a dipsensational premillennialist, and I’ve got enough residue of that in my system to still be scared of giant companies I suspect are going to try and give me the mark of the beast.

3. Apple Products Promote Factionalism in the Church

Oh you disagree?  I could mention churches that have informed my that they are “Apple churches” when they saw my droid gear.  They were only half kidding, I think.  Furthermore, I was once personally used as an example of a plebe who doesn’t use Apple in a  lecture on technology in ministry, and for how that gives people a negative first impression.  I kid you not.  Kennicott was there, and can verify my account.  If that isn’t like saying, “I am of Paul, I am of Apollos, I am of Jobs,” I don’t know what is.

2. They Are Too Big and Too Universally Beloved for my Underdog Sensibilities

Apple is everywhere.  Furthermore, their influence in business and design extends far further than the reach of their actual products.  Hey, even this blog I’m using to slam Apple has a minimalist design inspired by… Apple.  This offends my underdog sympathies.  At this point, buying Apple products would feel like cheering for Ivan Drago in Rocky IV.  Or like rooting for the Yankees.  No one should root for the Yankees.

1. I am a Jealous, Jealous Man

Ok, who am I kidding.  Apple stuff is awesome.  This whole post was an angry attempt to cover over the covetousness in my heart.  I really, really want a Macbook.  In fact, if someone will send me one (even an old one) I will happily retract this post and write about how much I love all things Apple.  You can use the feedback form to get my address.  And you have to pay shipping.

(By: Nicolas Alford)

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7 thoughts on “Open Letter to Mac Nation (or, the top ten things I hate about Apple)

  1. As I sit here typing on my Macbook Pro (15″), watching YouTube on my iPad, listening to my iPod, and listening to my wife tap out an email on our iMac, I am in total agreement with you… you are jealous! Now, go read Steve Job’s biography and call me in the morning.

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